This has been a rough week. A sailboat ride through a hurricane. Never mind the why’s, wherefore’s, or who did what. The reasons are not important. The reactions are.
I say this has been a rough week, and I want to put a note here. I’m like an old-fashioned calendar – the ones on paper. I start my week on Sunday. This week started with my blog “The Weighted Brick”. Written through my tears, from a dark place. What I failed to realize was it wasn’t really dark, yet. Oh no, I learned first hand it gets pitch black before the dawn. But the light came back. It’s still conquering the darkness – but like one of the old lights – it’s still heating up, still gaining brightness, just not full on yet. I have had to replace that bulb a couple of times – a couple of “false starts”, if you will. But the light is returning.
Today is a good start for that – time for my semi-annual checkup. Normally I have one or two things on my list to talk to the doctor about. Today, the list is a book. But I fully expect to come away with answers – whether they are the ones I want to hear is yet to be determined. But please, no more passing. Let this be the last stop.
I have had to seriously do what we used to call in the Navy a “gut check”. It’s a hard thing to do – especially if you have skewed perspective, which we all tend to have when examining ourselves. I had to quit taking the lunch special, and honestly look at the food options on the buffet and see what I was feeding myself. I was put in a position where I had to seriously question what I was doing, why I was doing it, and how I needed to proceed. I don’t have all the answers yet – but I do have some.
First and foremost, I had put myself in the back seat. Check that, I was in the back seat of the trailer behind the truck. The rear axle was in front of me. That in and of itself had to change – and needs to stay changed. I need to be in the driver’s seat – I don’t like getting car sick.
The next thing I had to look at is what I was doing. I was helping others. I knew I was, but I didn’t think anything I was doing made a difference – had an impact. Due to events that happened, I was put in a place where I could see that impact. I was reminded, every time the “ding” went off for yet another personal inbox message. I thought one or two people would contact me. From late Monday evening to mid afternoon Tuesday – I had over 500 messages – back and forth. 500. At one point I was trying to keep 9 inbox conversations going, cook supper, and had 3 text message conversations going, plus answering phone calls. I’m not saying this to brag. Please don’t take it that way. I was blown away – when did I become that important to so many? Me, almost 50, overweight, wife, mother, grandmother. I’ve never done anything to get my name in lights, no newscaster has ever known who I am. The longest time on a job ever was 8 years – so I guess you could say I never even had a career. And now I have people from all over the world who value me enough to check on me? To make sure I’m okay? Humbling to say the least. My family just had the “why are you surprised” reaction. I had a different reaction. What I loved to do – help others, be there for them, laugh with them, cry with them – was actually making a difference. My blogs had begun making a difference. Little things I had done for others had made an impact. I’ve always been one to brush compliments aside. I don’t know how to take them without looking conceited so I go the other way – the “oh, it was nothing”. But here I was, faced with the fact that my “nothing” was “something”. Actually, something pretty huge. Pretty humbling.
So, we arrive at today. The fifth day of my week. Lots of extra tears this week. Lots of wake up calls. But mostly lots of love. LOTS. More than I ever dreamed of. So the question remains, what will I do? At this juncture, I don’t know, really. I will continue to help. I will continue to blog. I am here for any of you who need me – my contact information is no secret. I will look things up, I will listen, I will give you my opinions. I’ll be your friend, I’ll be your confidant, I’ll be your shoulder. James Taylor sang it best – “You’ve Got A Friend”. It is good to know you have a friend, in my case many friends. And I truly love and respect you all. Mike Terrill mentioned me today, in his blog “Sunsets”. I almost titled this blog “Sunrises”. I have to get through today – get the answers today will provide, before I do anything. I have to take the steering wheel firmly in both hands, and drive my own destiny. For it looks like, as of today, I have a LOT of passengers along for the ride.