Title got your attention, didn’t it? Well, that’s how I feel today. Like I am strapped to a weighted brick. The name on my weighted brick – depression. Yep – normally sunny me has been clubbed today. It happens. This brick has been hovering around my life for over 20 years. I hate it. I loathe it. I despise it. I give it as little attention as possible, hoping it will feel neglected and run away. But no, it hangs around, and for whatever reason every so often it lands on me. It tries to get a good hold, and I try to fight it off. Today, I’m not proud to say I am losing.
Why? Who knows. Maybe because its cloudy. Maybe because I got up later than I like to. Maybe because someone in Oingo Boingo spilled salt! I don’t have a clue where it comes from. It just shows up, and shines a warped magnifying glass on my life. Things that should not bother me in the least, infuriate me. Things that should just roll off my back bring tears. Feelings of uselessness, despair, who-gives-a-shit pile up and block the sunshine of being loved, being needed, being wanted. And part of me – the part with the most weight from that brick – likes it that way. That part wants to be left alone, left out, it wants to have a pity party for one, with all the trimmings.
But the part that really cries is the part that hates this. The part that just wants it to go away. The part that just wants to be the wife, the mom, the caregiver, the friend. The part that wants that joke to be funny, that wants to care about what you just said. It’s still there – the loving person with the warped sense of humor and sarcastic remark, at the ready. I’m still here. I’m just behind the invisible mask. I’m here – I want out – and when I tell you I don’t know whats wrong that’s not 100% accurate, because I do know, but I also know it’s an intangible thing that you can’t fix. So I will fight this battle the way I always do – alone. Because when it comes down to it – no matter how bad you want to, no matter how hard you try – you can’t help me. I don’t want you to – because I don’t want this weighted brick to fall on you. Ever.
I’ll be fine. I’ll win again. This weighted brick will be lifted, and along with it the dark clouds that take all optimism away will leave too. Until then all I can do is hope I can pretend this weight isn’t crushing me – and that you don’t see.
This is a departure from my normal writings – but it is real. I wish this were made up, but it’s not. For anyone who has ever suffered from depression, in any form, for any reason – I understand. I feel your pain. But it is conquerable. You can win. Some days the fight is harder than others. Sometimes it goes away for longer periods, lulling you into a false sense of security. But it is there. Do not be afraid to talk to your doctor about your depression. It is real. It exists. You can defeat it. I’ve kept it at bay for over 20 years – sometimes with medication, but for the last 15 years or so with sheer willpower. The first step in the battle is acknowledging its existence, for it likes to hide and lurk. Shine a light on it – acknowledge it – and then use whatever weapons you have in your personal arsenal to knock it down. Talk to your family, friends, loved ones. Ask your doctor. Talk to a religious advisor. Whatever direction you need to go. But you can beat this. You can live with it, instead of living the way it wants you to. Start today – take your life back. I am. Again.
Thank you for your time in reading this. Please consider giving me a couple more minutes and share – someone you love may need these words today.